hello

Hello my blog. It's been awhile. Anyways, life's good, gaining weights as usual, blame on my laziness once again.

perhaps i'm just feeling insecure, keep picking up fight and hurting him with words. Althou end up its settled but the wound i cause will remain there. i'm not surprise if he decided to leave.

maybe that's the reason why some of my friends think that i am better off single, as i take relationship too serious, i'm too demanding, and it's making me guilty.

It's been awhile since my last post.

life changed.

not longer single,

lost my best buddy,

some dramatic changes.

somehow still kinda stuck in that,

hopefully i can get over the heartache when the memories flash back.

i know that sometimes, something are meant to be gone in order to move on in our life,

well..

things definitely will getting better, i have faith in it.

:D

miss this girl badly

random crap of the month

i am 23 ady.

exam is coming.

screwed up my thesis.

screwed up my pencil box.

feeling weird.

life changed decision.

been wake up by mosquito every morning for past 3 days.

exam is coming.

Gotta redo my thesis.

headache.

freezing cold.

losing myself.

it's aint that good as i thought.

i scared i might screwed up my final.

i am 23.

TEEHEE

random crap of the day

i want to dye my hair to light brown
i want to get my healthy body back
i'm so sick of feverish me
stupid lecturer really didnt mark my attendance for me
i study for more than 5 hours today
i attend all the classes today
i make it for 8am lecture
i replace my Quality System tutorial today
Friday gonna be factory visit day
rushing back to Muar to interview my mum and dad
mum skrewed me cuz i stay up very late
mum ask me to drink more water cuz im coughing like mad
later class on 1pm and im still awake
gonna study in oldtown again tonight
i want to learn how to fly like those movies
i wish that suddenly my bank account have 100K, Ringgit malaysia duh
i think Ir. Wan made a good lecture's notes
i am bored.

some camwhore+ editted photo shit

Farewell :D

Me and Tian Hoo, im going to miss you :D

Jian Yea. my ex class rep. i always have this weird crush on him HAHAHA!

I WANT THIS!

Who said i took bad pic D:

Megatron, my bf.

me and the future audiologist :D

AND I WANT THIS.

Me and the guys :D

few of the guys in my life :)

10/6/2011

Thats right, i started my morning with this Marigold GoodMorning milk which DOESNT make me fresh at all.

my class was started on 8am, and i woke up on 730am, supposedly i can make it for the lecture but my blur moments is not long enuf, so i decided to slack at home until 845am then just leave to 9am lecture.

No doubt, i was late for that lecture, too. and i'm acting like a boss walk in there and my classmates were all like " wuaa why are you here blah blah blah..." damn blame it on ponteng too much and people feel surprise when see me in the morning class.

so after the class, we have 5hrs break, which usually i will back to home and sleep.. And today is a lil bit unusual, we spent like 20mins to discuss what to have for our brunch and decided to drive 15mins to Batu Caves. The food is awesome.

while we are heading to college to get my car so i can get some sleep in my house, my another friend call and told us that they will be bowling in Wangsa Walk, asked whether we want to join or what.. Nah, im not a bowling ball lover so i will just skip. Then, out of nowhere my friend suggested to watch movie.

Great, so we rush to Wangsa walk and buy the ticket for X-men First class. Nice movie, i hate the ending, why must all the good looking guy turn out to be bad guy? Urghh.

2hrs later, we rush back to college and attend the 1hr tutorial,hell yeah to the friday.

oh ya, i met up with my hometown friends and HAVE ANOTHER MOVIE. Kung Fu Panda.

thats why im so sleepy right now and i don't think i can finish the last 3 episode of Lie To Me season 2.. wait what am i typing now? i think im talking crap...

Forgive and Forget

ranting#2

Every morning i wish that i can look fresh as this.

Or perhaps like this, annoying but atleast still lookable.

But mostly thats how i sit and look like when after washing face and all, blur, and complaint why we have to get up from the lovely warm bed and go to college.

Or sometimes even worse, i go to school with this look.

argh! i hate school.

i started to feeling confused. like seriously.
its not the 1st time i think like this, in fact, this happen to me all the time, feeling confused, not sure what am i supposed to do.
i don't mean to be a loser or what, just that sometimes when shits happen i just want to run away, as far as i can, just for the sake to calm down, and think what am i supposed to do for next step. Life is tough, i will that i can go back to my baby times, just drink milk, laugh, play, cry and sleep and repeat the routine until i started to learn how to speak.
its normal for human for can't remember what's happen before 3 years old. but somehow i wish i still remember, so whenever i am sad i am down, i can remember and think back that i used to have this worry-less childhood, not that striving for the sake to get compliment from anyone.
Lately my life is seriously treated me badly, so bad i really don't know how i should react. all these shits seems settled but its not, and its come back to me again and again, i started to wondering is that my life want to see me fall? i really don't know.
I'm scared, seriously worry what will happen next, i'm not even sure that i can deal with it at all. Keep breathing is all i know for now.
just keep,
breathing.

aww my all time favourite keyboardist :D

talked to my lovely Vivian just now, figuring out something, which took me like one year and half to really understand.

im tired.

and i have this hugest crush on This Sunday Screamer, how? u bite me?

All the sudden.. i lost my interest on something, or let say, Someone.
perhaps its the sign or faith, thats i shouldn't holding any grudge, or unreachable hope.
setting myself free.
well, getting my life back aint bad thing at all.
hee.




bye. i liked you.

Massacre Conspiracy "Bloodless" (Album Version) Official Music Video

SERIOUSLY, u wont be regret if u listen to this.
its so awesome i almost cry i tell u!!
one of the best Malaysia Metal band.
with handsome vocalist of course :p


enjoy!
and dont jinz in ur pant.

and hell yeah im gonna see them this Sunday, are u jelly?

seriously laughing on what i wrote before this. haha. so stupid.

only if someone know how important is that for my life. only if they understand instead of saying that " stop being emo or what." if its so easy, why would i be sad? yes im being paranoid, thats who i am, thats what i been hiding all these years. i wish that i could really be those brightly shining girl. which im not. so i will just chill the fuck out and keep breathing. nothing can be worst now, i will just sit down, sleep and hope for another great day.
i just need to catch some breath after all the bad things happen on me.
its all gonna be alright, i believe in that, seriously, its has to be alright, dont ever fail me again, its not easy for me to get back my normal mood, they didnt know what i've been thru, so i will chill.
just chill.
just chill.

feel much better after sleep for long hours. and cry to sleep.
well, i think i better skip the rest of the classes for this week for the sake of healing myself. lol.
sore throat and flu always attack people while you are in ur weakest situation. just laugh it off. thats what i can do, thats only what i can do, for now.
better get more sleep before the bad mood strikes again, its always good that i can sleep over all the bad mood. if u get what i mean.

maybe thats the reason why people always said those who cannot handle their emotional better off die. even the weather is supporting my mood sway. its supposed to be hot and shining in this hour. lol weird shit. what else? bring it on, bring it on and make me fall like what u wanted to do.
Pray didnt get any answer, and i cant wait no more.
im running out of the strong and cheerful spirit.
i rather to stay in this creepy crappy little home for the rest of my life.
stop lecture me that everything gonna be alright.
its not.

cuz all the sudden, nothing else seems matters anymore.
branded bag, shopping, study, no, nothing.
i rather to hide myself under my blanket, making the weird dream.
anticipate what's going to happen to me on next few day.
signed out twitter from my phone so no longer will see any notification, for now.
signed out fb from my phone and phone, so i will keep myself from updating my random status or let the happy kk entertain u by random meaningless shits.
i'm down.
i'm falling into this deep dark hole.
no one giving me a hand.
no, not now.
i'm feeling frustrated, feeling hate to the world.
Because everything is out of control, unlike usual, i can handle it, but all comes together, its freaking me now, i'm not scared, more like nervous.
hand is shaking, eyes is blinking.
cold shower doesn't seem work for me anymore.
my weakness is always family, my own personal issues.
and these comes together its like the earthquake before the end of the world.
lol.
life is full with shit.
i'm learning to deal with it, but not now. No.

only if

Only if I knew it earlier. Only if I know how to react. I'm gonna need anger management, I'm gonna need my pills again, it's strikes back once again, I'm freaking out. Crying my lung out, cried till all my tears are dried. Drain it out. Pull my heart out from my throat. Standing there and just saying no for everything. So hard to breath. So cold when I'm sitting all alone in this night. It's not lonely, is just that I'm feeling bad for myself. I'm pathetic, I'm nobody. Mummy and daddy love me, my sisters love me, I know, I know about that. But when it's come to this issues, I hope that they would care themselves more than me, cuz I'm just someone who's not really important. I come I stay and I leave, thats how life supposed to end. It's not end of the world, but I'm literally facing the end. White knight is bullshit, someone other than family who really does care about me is bullcrap. I will just sit here and wait for my judgement day. Hopefully it won't hurt much. Cuz I'm scared of pain. I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm all cool.

i'm losing control

Everything is falling apart, I can't breath, I can't even think. I dont even knows whats the point for living on this world anymore. I will the worlds end is true, so I can just die, easily. Don't need to worry about how to kill myself. I shouldn't have quit smoking, cuz if I didn't quit, I supposed to die because of lung cancer or whatever disease is it. I can breath no more, I'm getting lost. I'm losing the purpose of staying alive, to study, to be a good girl or good friend, good sister or good friend. I can't handle it, nor I can deal with it. I wish I could, I'm truthly am. But I can't. All the problems strikes together making me sick. I should have cut it deeper at the 1st place, so I don't need to deal with all these shits. Parent and family might be sad, but soon they will get over it, cuz middle child is pathetic, no one care. No. I'm a giver, I give everything I have just to help ppl, just to impress others. But what did I get as repay? No, only a title that I'm such a good friend. I'm not asking much, I just need someone who really knows what am I thinking and give me a hand when I'm falling down. I seriously wondering about my life. Seriously, nothing else seems matters to me anymore, even that u give me all the things in my wishlist, I can't be happy anymore. I'm lost, I'm losing myself in dark.

Long Overdue Pics i found in my HDD.

Re-edit version of the pic

the 100th blog post YO!

see the title?? YES! this is my 100th post!!

Life goes on, nothing seems different, only the income tax shit drove me nut few days ago, and i accidentally drink the toilet water while fixing the toilet bowl, caused some chemical burn on my throat, flu, neneko having her period so have to take care of her so she wont running here and there and.. nvm.

i spoiled my laptop speaker.




and i cant wait for college reopen. MY GOODNESS i cant wait to go back to study!

sometimes i really cannot stand myself. the thing is so obvious and even outsider also can see with both their eyes closed, i still can't do anything. i'm seriously like a tool, or even worse, Idiot.
i rather to be senseless, or cold-blood like what people said, but the word : NO, its just so hard for me to say it, i can always reject my own family members, say the no damn loud, but its come to other, i'm freaking out,Yes, freaking out. i can't even anticipate what might happen because i'm afraid of losing it.

Some people might think that : why are you so stupid, why are you so kind or whatever it is. But they didn't know that whatever i'm doing, its just my natural reflection, or my coward-self asked me to do so without asking my brain.

But never mind, cuz like what others said : scared what? what will u lose? Thats why i'm putting my armor on, and get ready to this. Life like this, if you didnt show that you are not happy, people would never know it.

I'm not really that happy or kind person as any of you think, i guess. I just don't like to make anything get uglier if i can do something to prevent it. I just like to let people think that : ya its all fine, even thought i'm the one who suffering the most.

But for this case, its too much, way too much until i felt violated, offended.

this will be the war.

freshly made lemonade

Crappy mood.

Well, my post title means a lots, SERIOUSLY A lots.
Life aint getting better, in facts is getting worser. Friends, family, and Future sorta driving me nut, i wonder is that the RIGHT CHOICE for choosing engineering as my future career path. I'm not sure what i'm going to work as after i graduate from Advanced Diploma. Headaches. But i'm not going to give up, i wasted for so long times, if i back off now mean that i waste so much time on Nothing, thats why no matters what, i'm gonna holding on.

Found out that some crappy shits happen around me,too much to be mentioned.

Putting on fake smiles in front of others is getting harder. Everytime i feel like just show then my No.0 facial expression = stoned. Thats definitely will be far easier that think so hard to crack a joke or whatever it is.

Didnt sleep since 8 April 2011 00:00, and now i can hardly think with this sleepy heavy head and messy hairstyle, not to forget the eyes that look so kesian.. and skrew it i can't even think anymore. Good day ya'll. have fun whatever you are doing OR going to do something.

Blur.
So Damn Blur.