sometimes i really cannot stand myself. the thing is so obvious and even outsider also can see with both their eyes closed, i still can't do anything. i'm seriously like a tool, or even worse, Idiot.
i rather to be senseless, or cold-blood like what people said, but the word : NO, its just so hard for me to say it, i can always reject my own family members, say the no damn loud, but its come to other, i'm freaking out,Yes, freaking out. i can't even anticipate what might happen because i'm afraid of losing it.

Some people might think that : why are you so stupid, why are you so kind or whatever it is. But they didn't know that whatever i'm doing, its just my natural reflection, or my coward-self asked me to do so without asking my brain.

But never mind, cuz like what others said : scared what? what will u lose? Thats why i'm putting my armor on, and get ready to this. Life like this, if you didnt show that you are not happy, people would never know it.

I'm not really that happy or kind person as any of you think, i guess. I just don't like to make anything get uglier if i can do something to prevent it. I just like to let people think that : ya its all fine, even thought i'm the one who suffering the most.

But for this case, its too much, way too much until i felt violated, offended.

this will be the war.

freshly made lemonade