aww my all time favourite keyboardist :D

talked to my lovely Vivian just now, figuring out something, which took me like one year and half to really understand.

im tired.

and i have this hugest crush on This Sunday Screamer, how? u bite me?

All the sudden.. i lost my interest on something, or let say, Someone.
perhaps its the sign or faith, thats i shouldn't holding any grudge, or unreachable hope.
setting myself free.
well, getting my life back aint bad thing at all.
hee.




bye. i liked you.

Massacre Conspiracy "Bloodless" (Album Version) Official Music Video

SERIOUSLY, u wont be regret if u listen to this.
its so awesome i almost cry i tell u!!
one of the best Malaysia Metal band.
with handsome vocalist of course :p


enjoy!
and dont jinz in ur pant.

and hell yeah im gonna see them this Sunday, are u jelly?

seriously laughing on what i wrote before this. haha. so stupid.

only if someone know how important is that for my life. only if they understand instead of saying that " stop being emo or what." if its so easy, why would i be sad? yes im being paranoid, thats who i am, thats what i been hiding all these years. i wish that i could really be those brightly shining girl. which im not. so i will just chill the fuck out and keep breathing. nothing can be worst now, i will just sit down, sleep and hope for another great day.
i just need to catch some breath after all the bad things happen on me.
its all gonna be alright, i believe in that, seriously, its has to be alright, dont ever fail me again, its not easy for me to get back my normal mood, they didnt know what i've been thru, so i will chill.
just chill.
just chill.

feel much better after sleep for long hours. and cry to sleep.
well, i think i better skip the rest of the classes for this week for the sake of healing myself. lol.
sore throat and flu always attack people while you are in ur weakest situation. just laugh it off. thats what i can do, thats only what i can do, for now.
better get more sleep before the bad mood strikes again, its always good that i can sleep over all the bad mood. if u get what i mean.

maybe thats the reason why people always said those who cannot handle their emotional better off die. even the weather is supporting my mood sway. its supposed to be hot and shining in this hour. lol weird shit. what else? bring it on, bring it on and make me fall like what u wanted to do.
Pray didnt get any answer, and i cant wait no more.
im running out of the strong and cheerful spirit.
i rather to stay in this creepy crappy little home for the rest of my life.
stop lecture me that everything gonna be alright.
its not.

cuz all the sudden, nothing else seems matters anymore.
branded bag, shopping, study, no, nothing.
i rather to hide myself under my blanket, making the weird dream.
anticipate what's going to happen to me on next few day.
signed out twitter from my phone so no longer will see any notification, for now.
signed out fb from my phone and phone, so i will keep myself from updating my random status or let the happy kk entertain u by random meaningless shits.
i'm down.
i'm falling into this deep dark hole.
no one giving me a hand.
no, not now.
i'm feeling frustrated, feeling hate to the world.
Because everything is out of control, unlike usual, i can handle it, but all comes together, its freaking me now, i'm not scared, more like nervous.
hand is shaking, eyes is blinking.
cold shower doesn't seem work for me anymore.
my weakness is always family, my own personal issues.
and these comes together its like the earthquake before the end of the world.
lol.
life is full with shit.
i'm learning to deal with it, but not now. No.

only if

Only if I knew it earlier. Only if I know how to react. I'm gonna need anger management, I'm gonna need my pills again, it's strikes back once again, I'm freaking out. Crying my lung out, cried till all my tears are dried. Drain it out. Pull my heart out from my throat. Standing there and just saying no for everything. So hard to breath. So cold when I'm sitting all alone in this night. It's not lonely, is just that I'm feeling bad for myself. I'm pathetic, I'm nobody. Mummy and daddy love me, my sisters love me, I know, I know about that. But when it's come to this issues, I hope that they would care themselves more than me, cuz I'm just someone who's not really important. I come I stay and I leave, thats how life supposed to end. It's not end of the world, but I'm literally facing the end. White knight is bullshit, someone other than family who really does care about me is bullcrap. I will just sit here and wait for my judgement day. Hopefully it won't hurt much. Cuz I'm scared of pain. I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm all cool.

i'm losing control

Everything is falling apart, I can't breath, I can't even think. I dont even knows whats the point for living on this world anymore. I will the worlds end is true, so I can just die, easily. Don't need to worry about how to kill myself. I shouldn't have quit smoking, cuz if I didn't quit, I supposed to die because of lung cancer or whatever disease is it. I can breath no more, I'm getting lost. I'm losing the purpose of staying alive, to study, to be a good girl or good friend, good sister or good friend. I can't handle it, nor I can deal with it. I wish I could, I'm truthly am. But I can't. All the problems strikes together making me sick. I should have cut it deeper at the 1st place, so I don't need to deal with all these shits. Parent and family might be sad, but soon they will get over it, cuz middle child is pathetic, no one care. No. I'm a giver, I give everything I have just to help ppl, just to impress others. But what did I get as repay? No, only a title that I'm such a good friend. I'm not asking much, I just need someone who really knows what am I thinking and give me a hand when I'm falling down. I seriously wondering about my life. Seriously, nothing else seems matters to me anymore, even that u give me all the things in my wishlist, I can't be happy anymore. I'm lost, I'm losing myself in dark.

Long Overdue Pics i found in my HDD.